


Redemption

by Sasha713



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Episode: s04e02 The Other Side, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-09
Updated: 2012-05-09
Packaged: 2017-11-05 01:49:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/401137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasha713/pseuds/Sasha713
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Her picture of him had been altered...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Redemption

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Samfan13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samfan13/gifts).



> Joke, you said you watched this. Gift for you :D
> 
> AN: This story was actually written quite a number of years ago, but it just never got posted anywhere.

REDEMPTION  
He searched for a reason why he should be redeemed of his actions. He searched for a reason why he shouldn’t seem any different in her eyes. But he couldn’t find a reason. All he found was a sudden self-loathing as he saw his actions through her eyes. Saw himself through her eyes, his expression mirrored back to him in her blue depths.

His expression spoke of justifying his actions. Spoke of defiance in the face of her blatant disappointment.

He didn’t care what he thought of himself, heaven knew that his own thoughts on himself were never good ones, but what did matter, was what Carter thought of him. How she saw him.

Redemption in her eyes meant more to him than he would or could ever admit.

Her disappointment cut through him and he felt the slice down to his heart. His very being in agony over the fact that she no longer held that innocent picture of him inside her head. That picture that painted him as a just and true man who lived by a strict personal code.

The man in that picture wouldn’t have ordered the Iris closed before the Minister could follow them through.

That man would have allowed him to live despite his Hitler like beliefs and actions.

Jack had never pretended to be that man she had seen, but he had wantedto be that man, just so her idea of him would never be skewed. He knew that man was better than he could ever even hope to be. He had been too far. Had dived over the edge.

He had wanted her to continue to see that picture as a correct representation of his soul, but, good things never stayed good for long, and that picture, now stained with blood and disappointment, would be only a memory to her now.

He would miss it. Miss the expectation and knowledge of her belief in his goodness, because, with one action, he had obliterated that belief and smeared it with darkness.  
One day she might look at that picture, wipe the blood away and see that man again, but...not today. Not today. Redemption was not his today...  
************************************************************************************************************

 

‘Didn’t I tell you to get a life?’

By telling her to get a life, he was closing himself off from the feelings that they had been fighting. He was saying that he didn’t want her. And frankly, that depressed the hell out of her. She understood the why of that, but her heart, the part of her that wasn’t rational, was hurt. She of all people knew the necessity of keeping things between them detached. Don't look at the evidence that damned them too closely. It couldn't be a problem if they were oblivious to it.

So much that she hadn’t wanted to leave the base to be at home...alone. Where she was more likely to dwell on his rejection and his order for her to get a life that did in no way include him.

She didn’t want to dwell. She didn’t want to think of all that she was lacking. By ordering her to get a life, what exactly did he hope she would do? Find another hobby...or find some other man to love? Someone more attainable. She wasn’t sure. And she didn’t want to test that. Because deep down she knew that no other man would suffice, especially when she would be comparing them to Jack anyway.

She was so screwed when it came to him, and if getting a life meant she was drifting away from him, well then...she would rather turn musty and stale under a mountain among her experiments and simulations than try.

The Erondan mission had shown her a lot about Jack O’Neill. He had somehow known that she wasn’t getting a life because of him. Had known that she was stagnating in her personal life because of the feelings that were beginning to take over them both. The look in his eyes after he had ordered the Iris closed had sort of been like an ‘I’m-not-worth-your-love’statement more than anything else.

Showing her proof that he wasn’t good enough or right enough for her to have feelings for him. That she was better than that. He had done what was necessary at the sake of his own moral sanity. He had killed a man. Jack had shown her that he would do the right thing even when it messed with what he himself wanted.

He would give up feeling anything for her if it was the best thing for her. If it absolved her of pain and heartache he would do it. He would take it all away from her. Make her forget about him and help her get a life outside the SGC, even if it hurt him.

When it came down to it, he would risk his own emotions and his own heart to help her move on.

But she didn’t want to move on. She really loved him and that’s what scared her the most. The fact that if he was given the chance, he would erase her feelings because he saw himself as unworthy.

Seeing that ruthless side of him hadn’t diminished her feelings for him. In fact, his unrelenting command for the iris to be closed had given her a new respect of him. He had done what she knew she probably didn’t have the strength to do. Kill a man that had begged for leniency.  
************************************************************************************************************

 

He had lost something of her the moment he had ordered the Iris closed. The look in her eyes telling him that she was fading away from him. He felt no joy in snuffing out the way she was feeling for him. There had been no tenderness towards him, just horror. Horror that he could purposefully kill someone with three words. She had been disappointed in him, and that cut him deeper than he had ever thought possible.

In that moment he had realised how much her approval had meant to him. He was the CO damn it. He had to make hard decisions. Decisions that could take away the respect of a subordinate. One day she would understand the pressure of command, but for now, he would have to deal with her misunderstanding.

He didn’t hate himself for killing Allar. No. That he could live with. It was a military liability. Over the years he had done a lot of bad things for the sake of his country.

He hated himself more because of the fact that Carter had seen him decide to kill a man who did not threaten anything. A man who had begged for safety while the walls of his own world had crashed down around him. A salvation Jack had denied.

She had no right to judge him. No right to look at him as if he was evil and she couldn’t bear to look at him.

He took a long swig of his beer, trying to convince himself that what Carter thought of him didn’t matter. She was his subordinate so she had to respect him no matter what decisions he made as the CO of SG1. She had no choice.

The woman underneath the military Major had judged him. Had deemed him a disappointment. He had no idea why she had ever seen him as anything more than a man who would make the necessary choices. He had never pretended to be otherwise. His Black Ops days had shown him the hard way what he would do to get the job done.

But she had seen him as a hero. She’d had a case of hero worship from day one. He wasn’t blind. But now...in one moment...she had seen beyond that. And he doubted that she would look at him the same ever again.

He hadn’t acted like a human. He had acted like a monster. Had acted with no feeling of remorse. His only guilt came from the fact that he had shattered her innocent outlook.

“She’s military. She signed on for this.” He murmured, taking another pull of beer and placing the bottle down.

He had done the right thing. He had refused to help them any longer. Refused to help them win a war that they had started. They had been storming a Nazi regime. He had done the right thing.

He would not explain that to Carter.

It was probably better that he wipe out her feelings for him now. They were inappropriate and obvious and he should never have encouraged their flirting. He should have pretended indifference. But he hadn’t. Because he was weakened by emotion towards her. He hadn’t seen that to be her CO he would have to close himself off to his heart because if he didn’t, every decision he made would be filtered through a“Carter metre”. He would never want to see that look in her eyes again, so he would try to avoid it.

He couldn’t do that.

He had to act like a leader and Carters feelings had nothing to do with that. There was no balance.

It was time he was the CO he was supposed to be. The boss was never invited to the party. He would have to cut himself off. He couldn’t be her leader and her friend, because, like with Daniel, it only caused arguments. Daniel saw him as an equal. Someone he could disobey because he gave him too much leeway. Anyone else would snap off a command and expect it to be followed no matter what.

It was too late for Daniel. He didn’t understand the chain of command. A civilian. But Carter...

She always did what he said, even if he was wrong, and he would have to keep it that way.

_No leeway. ___

Jack stood from his lounge, feeling the familiar buzz of the alcohol drenching his system. He placed his beer aside and stretched, moving out to his deck and looking up at the stars. Somewhere out there, Allar’s “enemies” were celebrating their win. Celebrating the downfall of their version of Hitler and his perfect race.

And that was something he wouldn’t regret.

He of all people knew that having blood on your hands was never something to be proud of.

She would never understand how he could kill an unarmed person. Purposeful. Clinical. His only regret the dimming of light in her eyes as she had looked up at him, knowing that whatever she saw in him in that moment was worse than any expression on a Goa’uld’s face.

Accusation.

‘How could you so easily kill him?’

It didn’t need to be asked. He knew that look. An incomprehension. He had seen it in his ex-wife’s eyes the moment he had angrily admitted to her that he could forget the pain Charlie’s death inflicted on him, but he would never forgive himself.

She hadn’t understood.

Just like Carter didn’t understand now. Military or not, she was still more willing to forgive than he ever had been.

He guessed that was yet another thing about his relationship with Carter he would have to accept…  
*******************************

 

He didn’t know what really brought him here, if it had just been a compulsion to see her, or if he was actually trying to fix her new picture of him.  
He had come here with a whole host of things he wanted to say to her, but now, as he stood outside her house, having trouble with the notion of even knocking on her door, his mind was unhelpfully blank.

He was standing on her front stoop, unable to move up a step, yet equally as unable to retreat. Eventually, his knee started to pain him, so he let himself sink down wearily onto the top step, staring moodily out at her dim front lawn, wondering when exactly he had become such a coward.

He could face any bad guy, never hesitated at doing the right thing, had the courage to step onto alien worlds, and yet…he was nervy as hell when it came to talking to Carter. Especially in such a personal capacity. Her front stoop. Couldn’t get any more personal unless he stepped into her bedroom.

A part of him recognised that coming here was probably the wrong thing, which would explain his sudden unwillingness to even approach her front door.  
Stubbornly he thought he would sit here for a moment, lying to himself by saying that her lawn was better to look at than his own, justifying why he was on her front step and not his own, wallowing in his own self-loathing.

He would leave. She wouldn’t have to even know he’d had this moment of weakness. Needing her to forgive him for something he didn’t even regret doing.

Hadn’t he just told himself an hour ago as he had sipped at a beer that she was military? That she had to understand what sort of decisions people like them had to make? She would be in his shoes one day. She had to be prepared to make these types of snap decisions about the lives of others. Under her command or otherwise.

Before he could actually get up and leave like he planned and pretend this moment hadn’t happened, that he hadn’t come here at this highly inappropriate time of night, she was beside him, standing on her porch. He didn’t move, ignoring her presence there.

She paused a beat before she lowered herself down on the top step beside him, not even nearly close enough to touch, far enough away that he didn’t actually feel like he had done something wrong by coming here.

Two colleagues sitting on a step…

Sounded like the beginning of one of those bad jokes.

They sat there, side by side, not so much an anomaly if he pretended they were off world camping out, but, the moment he remembered this was her house, and the ground they were staring at was actually Earth, he felt the sting of idiocy rush through him. Was it still possible for him to feel embarrassed at his age?

It seemed they were both staring at the lawn, seeking the courage to speak.

He’d had a list.

Where was it now? Lost in the cobwebs of his mind?

'Possibly threatening situation…what now O’Neill?’his mind asked.

He really had nothing…  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I don’t want to get a life.” She said when the silence stretching out between them became unbearable.

She hadn’t meant to say it. Hadn’t even realised it had been spoken until she heard the words echoed back at her, but now that she had vocalised it, she wasn’t sorry.  
He was here because of his own demons, she knew, about what had happened. With Alar. Somehow she had known that he would come. Which was weird, because he had never come before, even when she had hoped he would. Something about today.

It was different.

A knowledge that she had felt deep within.

For a moment there on that ramp, she had been unable to school her features under military-perfected indifference.

He had seen and he had known what thoughts were racing through her head. She guessed he had witnessed disappointment and even distain targeted at him from uncomprehending eyes in the past, and now, he obviously believed that she was just like them. Not understanding his motivations for doing such a supposedly unspeakable thing.

She guessed that was the reason why he was the leader and she was the subordinate. She had asked herself several times in the last few hours if she would ever be strong enough to order that Iris closed on a man like Alar.

Jack hadn’t even hesitated. He had known that he would have to purposely kill another human being. The only remorse he had shown was when he had caught the unguarded expression on her face.

But right now, if he planned to stay silent and full of self-reproach, then she would speak her own demons and ignore his.

He turned to her, his brow furrowed in confusion.

“What?” he asked, completely freezing.

“I don’t want to ‘get-a-life’” She repeated, not changing the words to lessen his confusion.

“Get a life?” he repeated, as if saying it out loud would make it make sense in his own mind.

_'I don’t want to get a life.' ___

It took him a moment to realise that it hadn’t been he who had spoken, but her, and he was shocked into confusion. Had she not even been thinking about what had happened on that ramp? Her mind instead stuck on some other fact he had forgotten. His confusion did not ebb and he looked at her with confusion.

“Carter, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He said, feeling that familiar feeling when she said something that confused him. He held onto that feeling, finding that familiar sensation comforting in this uncharacteristic moment.

“You told me…I needed to get a life. I don’t want to.” Her voice was tinged with defiance, like a teenager rebelling, her chin notching up, almost baiting him to argue.

He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out, his mind in a blur of ‘huh?’.

“You think yourself so unworthy…even more so now after what happened with Alar. But you’re not unworthy Jack. Not to me.” She said with complete determination.

He still couldn’t think of what he could say to that. What she wanted him to say to that. What he needed to say.

“Carter…”

“You did the right thing. Something that not many people would be able to do.”

“I killed him, and I thought nothing of it…” he stated after a moment, keeping his eyes firmly away from her face. He didn’t want to confess that he had thought nothing of it until he had looked at her face and the expression there.

He didn’t regret ending Alar’s life. He regretted that she had witnessed his ruthlessness.

“You wouldn’t be here if that was completely true.” She pushed, catching him in a mistruth that he hadn’t even realised he had uttered.

He knew she was right. This wasn’t about Alar anymore. Maybe it never had been. It had been about them. He was here as an apology for destroying that picture she’d had in her head of him.

“I regret…that your picture of me has changed.” He admitted, speaking without really allowing himself to think too much on what he was saying. This was already way past appropriate, but he had the feeling that it was too late to go back now.

“You think I only see your surface. Well I don’t. I know who you are.” She stated with conviction, her voice seeming to be the only noise between them. Nothing else was registering. Nothing besides the murmured conversation, a conversation that shouldn’t really be happening.

“I’ve seen that look before Carter.” He murmured, referring to the complete shock at his actions, the disappointment of what he did so coldly.

“And what about now?” she asked.

He turned his head and caught her expression. The acceptance. The understanding. The sincerity.

She had faith in him.

He felt like he had completed his mission. He had pulled away from this exactly what he had come here for. His heart felt lightened. Maybe it hadn’t been as hopeless as he had thought.

Sara had never been able to override the horror when he had told her about the things he had done for his country. He had always seen the darkness mirrored back at him through her eyes even when she had smiled and told him that it was all okay.

It had never been okay, because the moment he had confided in her, her image of him had faltered, her faith in him rocked to the core. A faith that he had never truly seen again. Until this moment.

Until Carter. She had seen his worst, and her faith in who he was inside hadn’t been altered.

Her expression said her belief in the person he was overrode anything else, and maybe that was why he was on her porch now, and had never really made an effort to be on Sara’s after that first Abydos mission.

And for some reason this moment felt like closure.

He could move on.

He stood up and brushed off the back of his jeans, turning as he took a few steps towards his truck on the curb. He assessed her features as she sat on her front step.

“You don’t have to get a life Carter…unless you want one.” He said with a slight quirked smile. She smiled back.

“I already have one, Sir.” She said, and he felt like she was finally telling him something without being forced to. This time, he would read between the lines she’d drawn. The light in her eyes telling him all that he needed to know.

He turned and walked to his truck. Saying goodbye wasn’t necessary…

.fin.


End file.
